Monday, May 23, 2016

Today I turned 37 years old.

Some thoughts on turning 37:

- I miss my father fiercely. If I had known we would only have 36 years together, I....well, I don't know. I just miss him terribly, every single day.

-I am so glad my mother is here. If one positive thing came out of my father dying, it is that my mother lives with me now. It's been over 18 years since I lived with my mom, and I forgot how much I missed it. Especially now that I'm a mom. I'm grateful for every single day.

-My post-partum anxiety is now mostly a bad memory, and I'm off the medication. I think I have some generalized anxiety though. But mostly, I'm ok.

-I have not been taking care of myself. I am out of shape and the heaviest I've ever been in my life. My knees and ankles constantly hurt from the weight on my skeleton. I'm tired and self-conscious all the time. This needs to change. I hate feeling like this. I'm starting a Whole30 soon.

-I did the Police Unity Tour the other week, and I was miserable. For the first time in years, I had to take the sag wagon for a good portion of the trip. This was always the ride that was easy for me--I loved it. Not this time. Turns out that having a baby and severe depression & no training in over a year makes it kinda hard to do a 250+ mile bike ride. WHO KNEW? I will do a more detailed post on this soon, especially on how childbirth changes your body and that you need to get a bike. And other stuff.

-I love living on the island. I miss living in DC sometimes, but it was definitely time to say goodbye.

-Liam is simply amazing. He is sitting next to me right now, playing the clapping game (yes it's 11pm. We took naps for most of the day because he had his 9 month check-up today, which meant vaccinations. Poor lil guy was cranky and out of sorts). I got so lucky with him. He is such a smart, happy, easy-going baby. Watching him grow is fascinating. I just get sad that my dad doesn't get to see this.

Will it ever stop raining? This spring has been so depressing.

Honor Guard at the Police Unity Tour (Day 2)

Clap Clap!

9 months!

First trip to the Mall

This is what he does when Mommy mows the lawn

Mechanical Trailer for the Unity Tour


Thursday, December 31, 2015

A New Year

My father died on November 28th. It was awful and heartbreaking and I miss him terribly. I spent Thanksgiving in the hospital with my mother & brother, watching my father struggle to breathe; him slowly slipping further away on morphine.

It's been a struggle living in a world without my dad. I had a question that I normally would have asked him; then I realized he could never answer any of my questions again. He used to log into our wifi baby cam and watch Liam. Now I look at the camera and realize he will never be on the other side of it again. I play the only voicemail I have from him over and over so I can hear his voice. It makes me very sad that he missed Liam's first Christmas. I know he would have gotten him the biggest, best gift.

Tomorrow I go to pick up my mother. She also has cancer and is going through chemo. She is going to live here, for at least the winter. My parents were married for 44 years. This is the first time, probably since college, that she's been alone. I don't want her to be alone.

This has been the most difficult year of my life. Pregnancy, giving birth, becoming a mother, PPD, buying a house, moving out of DC, losing my father, watching my parents get's been too much.

My hope for 2016 is that it will be a boring, uneventful year. A year in which nothing happens. A year in which I will look back and wonder what I did because it was so boring I can't remember.

And I need to get back on my bike. I haven't ridden at all since September. I need to change that.

Goodbye 2015. I can't say I'll miss you.

Tuesday, October 13, 2015

Postpartum healing: The Mental Side

Today is my last day of family leave, and then it's back to the daily grind. I'm sad that I can't spend every moment with Liam....but I'm also glad that I won't be spending every moment with Liam.

I had my two week follow-up appointment from my 6 week postpartum appointment today. I had a follow-up because at my 6 week appointment I was diagnosed with severe postpartum depression/anxiety. And that's what I want to write about now.

As I wrote about in my last post, I feel pretty much back to normal physically. But mentally/emotionally? That's a completely different matter. The first four weeks with Liam were a blur; but a happy, sleep-deprived blur. So much was happening (the birth, buying a house, moving, etc) that I didn't really have time to think about anything. I was operating on pure adrenaline. We visited my parents (a wonderful trip) and tried to settle into the new house. I was still nursing around the clock. Jimmy was on leave with me, so it felt like a team effort. Things were fine.

And then he went back to work, and everything came crashing down. Although Jimmy gets the same 8 weeks of paid leave as I do, we decided he would only use 4 at first, and then save the remainder for later/emergencies.  There were a lot of factors that went into this decision, and it was the best decision given our circumstances. But it sucked.

I'm a first-time mother. I have NO experience with infants. I had no help either. Both sets of our parents were unavailable due to health issues, and with the house purchase we had no extra money to hire outside help (such as a postpartum doula). I was on my own. Completely on my own. I had no car at the time, so I couldn't go anywhere. I could take strolls around the neighborhood with Liam, but living in such a rural area, there was really no place to go within walking distance. I would spend an entire day not talking to another adult human being, let alone another parent. I felt like I had been dropped onto a raft in the middle of the ocean without any paddles/oars, and told to head for land. I was overwhelmed. I was lonely. I was scared.

I spent more time crying than Liam did. He was having trouble nursing*, and I felt like a complete failure. Every nursing session was a battle, and I began to resent having to feed him so often. He wasn't gaining weight, and that scared me. I began a ridiculous schedule of nursing/pumping/supplementing with formula every 2 hours, around the clock, that left me exhausted and hating breastfeeding. I felt like I had to breastfeed at all costs*, so this was becoming a major ordeal. I dreaded every nursing session. I watched Liam like a hawk to make sure he was actually swallowing what little milk I was producing. It was exhausting for both of us. Pumping wasn't going much better. I could barely get 2 oz a day. I began to loathe the sound of that damn pump, and hated the time it was stealing from me.

At his next weight check, he had gained weight! The bare minimum, but it was still a gain! I was so relieved. And then the nurse came into the room to congratulate me and told me to "just keep doing what you've been doing!". And I broke down into sobs. There was just NO WAY I could keep doing what I was doing. It was killing me. I needed a break. I needed to sleep.

So I said enough was enough, and made the decision to just formula feed. I felt (still feel) tremendous guilt over not breastfeeding, but Liam has been gaining weight & feeding him no longer feels like a battle. He smiles! He's happy, and I'm happy.  Plus, Jimmy gets to help out too, so that's a bonus.

I still felt overwhelmed, however. I became afraid to leave the house. I couldn't be away from Liam for more than 15 minutes before I became terrified that something horrible was happening/happened to him. I felt like I was drowning.

When I was still in training as a police officer (so many years ago, ha) a call came out for a shooting at our communications building (this is where our dispatchers/911 call takers worked). It wasn't our call so we didn't go, but I did get to talk to the officers that went afterwards. A female police officer that was assigned there had locked herself in the bathroom. I don't remember what had set her off, but she refused to come out. The responding officers tried to talk her into coming out, but ultimately she ended up shooting herself & died.

She had a 6 week old newborn at home.

I hadn't thought about her in YEARS. I don't even remember her name. I do remember thinking that I couldn't understand how a person could do that. She had a brand new baby at home that needed her. What would drive a mother to abandon her child? What would that kid think when he grew up?! I couldn't understand it.

Until now. I understand now.

And that scared me, and that's when I knew I needed help.

At my 6 week postpartum follow-up appointment (which took every bit of my strength to get to, especially since I had to bring Liam with me. I kept imagining horrible car accidents on the way), I think we got as far as "how are you doing?" before I broke down into tears and couldn't stop. I basically hit every note on the postpartum depression scale. We didn't even get a chance to get to the physical part of the exam.

She prescribed an antidepressant & told me to join a mom's group for support (which I have, application is pending. Yes, they take applications). The antidepressant is working, thank god. I never thought I would be the type of person that would need medication. But it's amazing. About a week after I started taking it, I felt completely different. It was like everything had been a bad dream. I didn't feel paralyzed or drowning anymore. It just reassured me that I wasn't crazy--just my hormones had thrown everything way off balance. I feel so much better mentally/emotionally.

I still feed bad that I can't breastfeed, and sometimes I still feel despair when Liam is crying. But its not crippling anymore. It passes. I feel more confident as a mother.

Cycling/running have always been my go-to when it came to lifting my mood, so I've been trying to work them in as much as I can. It's hard though, when there's a baby that needs looking after. Soon he'll be strong/big enough to use the jogging stroller & maybe to put in a bike trailer. In the meantime, I try to work in 20-30 minutes of running/biking when I can. I'm really, really hoping that I can be back out on bike patrol when I go back to work. I really need it, especially since I no longer bike commute.

I'm still working on getting through this PPD/PPA. I spent a good portion of the day crying because it is my last day home with Liam. I know I'll be struggling for a a bit. But I just need to take it day by day. I'm also excited to get into a regular routine again. Being on leave with Liam has been great, but it also kind felt like I was floating in the wind. I don't like that feeling. I need a routine to ground me. Going to work everyday will hopefully help with that.

*I have SO MUCH TO SAY about the crappy way postpartum mothers are treated, and how "Breastfeeding Support" is anything but supporting. This is probably not the blog for that, though. I will say that finding the Fearless Formula Feeding group saved my sanity, and that the current Breastfeeding Cult Groupthink is awful & terrible, and anytime a group tries to ACTIVELY KEEP CHOICES AND KNOWLEDGE FROM WOMEN, that is not a women-friendly group. Pro-choice isn't just about abortions, its about all decisions that women make about their own bodies, including breastfeeding (or not).

Wednesday, September 30, 2015

Postpartum Healing: The Physical Side.

Hello folks! Still settling into a routine with Liam and the new neighborhood. Of course, next week I'll have to come up with a new routine (again) once I go back to work.

I figured I'd do a post on the postpartum period of pregnancy/childbirth. There's some good information out there about cycling & pregnancy, but not too much about what happens AFTER birth. I want to start with the physical side of healing, since that directly impacts the ability to get on a bike again. I just had my 6 week postpartum check-up today.

Physically, I'm pretty much back to "normal". I had a very fortunate birth experience in which I was able to give birth vaginally without tearing, just some minor abrasions and swelling. I spent the first 3 weeks physically healing from the birth itself. I was on IV fluids for almost 30 hours, so I experienced more swelling the days after the birth than in my entire pregnancy! That was annoying. It went away after 1.5-2 weeks though. I did have some painful swelling around the birth canal. I was advised to take 600mg of Motrin daily, and that seemed to help. Earth Mama Angel Baby Bottom Balm helped with the abrasions. I found that standing/walking for more than 10 minutes at a time painful & uncomfortable. Not unbearable, but it wasn't fun. I couldn't even think about getting back on a bicycle, ouch! Unfortunately, we were right in the middle of our move, so in addition to caring for a newborn, I was also unpacking and moving a lot of boxes too. (I do NOT recommend doing this). I convinced myself that being forced to get up and move around helped the healing. I was probably fooling myself. The lochia (blood and other stuff that is discharged from the vagina after birth) slowed after 2 weeks and completely stopped at 4 weeks. That was another problem-wearing pads with the vaginal abrasions was excruciating. I was so glad when I was able to stop. So, combined with the swelling, abrasions & lochia, cycling was just out of the question.

In addition to the physical trauma of giving birth, I was/am suffering from sleep deprivation. When I was in the recovery room after Liam was born, I was almost wishing to be back in labor! While I was in labor, the epidural allowed me to sleep right through most everything. Once Liam was born, that was all over! If it wasn't Liam waking us up to be fed/changed, it was the nurses. I haven't had a full nights sleep since before Liam was born (and probably well before that, since I was suffering from pregnancy-induced insomnia as well).  I have a whole rant on how new mothers are treated like crap once they give birth, but it probably isn't appropriate for this blog. I'll just say that as a police officer, I treated prisoners more humanely than I was.

"Sleep when Baby sleeps" is probably the most useless advice I've ever received. Baby sleeping was when I was finally able to have a little time to myself and get things done (and I had a lot of things that needed getting done!) Believe me, I would have loved to have nothing else to do except nap, but that just wasn't possible. There was also the mental factor of needing a break from the baby to do ME things, even if it was just farting around on the internet for awhile.  In the meantime, I just grab an hour or two when I can. Sometimes, I can get 3-4 hours at a time at night! That's a treat. Sleep deprivation tends to make me feel nauseous, so my appetite disappears when I'm really tired.

I'm combo breastfeeding/supplementing (I know this is a hot topic, and if you want me to talk about the whys & hows & stuff on here, I can), and the first week was tough. Breastfeeding stimulates the release of oxytocin, which causes uterine contractions. These contractions help the uterus to shrink back down to its non-pregnant size. This is very uncomfortable, and sometimes painful. It was akin to painful period cramps. Also, my nipples were cracked and sore since Liam and I were still both learning how to breastfeed. I didn't suffer the super painful engorgement that many women suffer from once their milk comes in, luckily. It took about 3 weeks (and liberal application of Earth Mama Angel Baby Nipple Butter) before breastfeeding stopped being painful. Breastfeeding also makes you HUNGRY. I'm hungry all the time, except when I'm feeling nauseous from not sleeping. And thirsty. And hot as hell. Thanks, hormones. I've been eating a lot of junk food because of the move (quick & easy = a lot of pizza and deli sandwiches), but I'm trying to break that habit now. Breastfeeding is also supposed to help you lose the pregnancy weight. I haven't had a chance to weigh myself yet, but I'm pretty much back in my pre-pregnancy pants, although they are a bit more snug than I remember. I still have a bit to go. It was so weird looking at my belly the hours after giving birth. I still had a very pregnant bump, but...there was nothing in there. I still looked pretty pregnant for about 2 weeks after the birth, and I still have a bit of a bump 6 weeks later.

It took about 4 weeks after birth until I no longer felt like I had just given birth and was able to fully resume normal activities. I started by going on short walks with Liam in the stroller. Those felt good, so I took a ride on the bike. The biggest obstacle to getting back on the bikes wasn't healing from the birth, its finding the time to ride! With the husband back at work, I have to watch Liam most of the day and he's too young to take with me on a ride. I have to wait until the husband gets home (or is on a day off) to find time to sneak in a ride, and even then it has to be short since I'm breastfeeding. I could pump a bottle for dad to feed Liam, but that requires even more time and planning. But, I did manage to find time for a couple of rides. They were short rides, and the area I live in now is pretty flat, so they were easy rides. I took Betty (beach cruiser) along the trail that runs by our neighborhood. It felt good, but there was a pretty good headwind. One thing I loved is the number of families I saw on the trail. But more on that in another post. I also took Kermit out for a brief ride. Other than some weird sounds coming from the front wheel (I'm going to need to inspect all the bikes carefully at some point), it felt like I had never been off him.

At 6 weeks postpartum, I feel perfectly fine & capable of riding a bicycle again. The longest ride I've done so far is 14 miles, and that felt great. Being able to go out for a ride now & then has been a big stress reliever for me, which is desperately needed. I also can't wait until Liam is old enough to ride with me!

The next post will be about the mental/emotional parts of postpartum healing. It will probably be quite a bit longer...

Some pictures of my new neighborhood, taken while I was out riding & exploring:

This paved trail covers a good portion of the island, but unfortunately isn't completely connected at places. Still, its a nice trail!

I need to find the story behind this bench. It's a memorial (you probably can't read the names carved on it in this photo). There are benches & picnic tables all along the trail.

Ugh. I really hate "Bikers Dismount" signs. They are useless and silly. I don't mind the stop sign, but I am not walking my bike every 30 feet (this trail crosses a lot of roads and driveways).

Must be nice to have your own plane in your backyard! The folks in this neighborhood all have their own private hangars!

Bike parking! I plan to put up some kind of shelter, so the bikes aren't completely exposed. In bad weather/winter, they'll be kept in the garage.

The local beach. It's actually quite tiny, but I look forward to using it when I actually have the time.

There is a fishing pier at the end of the trail. This is a view from it.

And just because I couldn't resist!

Saturday, August 29, 2015

He's here!

Liam Thomas was born on August 19th at 10:03pm. At some point soon, I'll post a little bit about his birth story, but right now I'm still overwhelmed with everything. In addition to bringing this tiny person into the world, we bought a house and moved into it. Talk about overwhelming! Trying to pack/unpack your entire life while a week overdue, and then with a brand new baby while you are still healing from the delivery is insane. The husband has been amazing through this whole process, and I don't think I could have gotten through without breaking down without him.

Right after delivery. I was in labor for 30 hours (I didn't feel most of it, thanks to the epidural), and pushed for about 25 minutes. Easy peasy.

Liam is wonderful. He's so strong and alert. Breastfeeding can be a bit of a battle, but we're both learning. I don't remember what sleeping was like. He loves to nap during the day, but for some reason I can't make myself sleep. I used to be able to nap during the day with no problem. Not anymore. Instead its "quick! Do ALL the things before he wakes up for his next shrieking/feeding!" Between breastfeeding and pumping, I might get an hour or so of "down time" before needing to tend to Liam again. It's exhausting, but rewarding. I will admit to having a few hormonal breakdowns (including cold flashes. Who knew you could feel freezing in 90 degree weather?!). Thankfully, the husband was there to keep me from going bonkers. It's quite an adjustment going from pregnant to not-pregnant. It's strange to have my body back for myself (for the most part. My breasts still seem to be held hostage.)

Daddy picked out the coming home outfit.

Kid loves to sleep.

Daddy's first night. Kiddo is sleeping, but dad isn't.

He likes to conduct a symphony in his sleep.

We went outside for some vey brief sun. Still snoozing. I swear he doesn't sleep ALL the time.

I am so eager to get back on the bike. There is a fantastic trail near the new house, and I get to watch people riding/walking/running on it every day. I can't wait until I can explore this new area and see where it can take me. I'm still healing from the birth, but in a few more weeks I should be cleared to go. I'm hoping that in the next few days, we can at least take a few walks together. I haven't really been able to stand/walk for more than 10 minutes at a time without soreness/pain. It's starting to fade though.

It's strange living so far from DC. Looking at photos on twitter and instagram, I find myself missing activities that I used to take for granted: running along the Mall, night rides around the monuments, biking through Rock Creek & the C&O canal, group rides, 5K's downtown... I don't regret moving at all; it was definitely time. But I will still miss the ease in which I was able to participate in those things. However, I'm also eager to see what sorts of things I can participate in HERE. There are beaches and parks, and I've already found a local cycling group that does a bunch of rides. I'm sure there are local running groups and races too. And I'm still going to participate in the "big" cycling/running events in DC too.

Speaking of, the 50 States Ride and the Boundary Stone Ride are both coming up. I've done the 50 States Ride a bunch of times, and its one of my favorite rides to do in DC. It's also one of the more challenging rides I've ever done. You wouldn't think that simply riding around the city (the "goal" of the 50 States Ride is to ride on every single state street/avenue) would be difficult, but you would be wrong. There are some killer hills in the city! And for some reason, this ride loves to attract bad weather. It's always either super HOT or super RAINY.  I believe registration is already full though (its a super popular ride), but they are always looking for volunteers! Check it out here:

The Boundary Stone Ride is one that I've heard about, but never had the chance to participate in. Similar to the 50 States Ride, the Boundary Stone Ride is all about exploring DC by riding to all of the old DC Boundary Stones. Doing the whole ride amounts to a metric century, or you can simply break it up into "sides" (about 15 miles on each side).  It will be taking place on Saturday, September 19th, and you can find more info about it on their facebook page or registration page. Registration is free, and you still get a t-shirt and a swag bag! (So, make a donation!) Phoenix Bikes will be providing bike support at rest stops, and Boundary Stone (of course) and DC Brau are sponsoring the ride and hosting the after-party. I'm seriously considering doing this ride. I should be healed and recovered by then.  I doubt I could do the whole metric century, but I could at least do a side, maybe two.

For October, I've registered for the Law Enforcement Ride & Run to Remember again. This will be my 3rd year participating, and I will be part of a team again (Blood, Sweat & Tires). It is a fundraiser for the NLEOMF, so stay tuned for more info on that!

That's it for now. It's been a whirlwind and it doesn't look like it will be slowing down anytime soon.

Friday, July 31, 2015

Big News!

No, not THAT news.

Baby is still very much in utero, and not showing any signs of making his debut anytime soon. He's definitely running out of room, though.  11 days until D-day, and I'm really hoping he'll stay put until then.

No, I have other Big News. Stuff I haven't been able to talk about much because its all happening pretty fast, and its a little overwhelming.

This Girl on a Bike is Maryland. Just over the Bay Bridge to be a little more precise, without giving out my exact address. I'm gonna have to update my twitter handle.

After living in DC for 18 years, it is time for me to make some changes. For the first 18 years of my life, I lived in a small town in central NY State, right on the shores of Lake Ontario. My 'hood was mostly farmland. I love where I grew-up, and I loved the childhood I had because of it. I went to small(ish) public schools and spent a lot of time outdoors. It was quiet, safe and yes...a bit boring. By the time I was 18 and ready to leave home, I knew I wanted the opposite of what I grew up with. So in August of 1997, my parents dropped me off in Foggy Bottom in Washington, DC.  I specifically chose George Washington University because it was an "open" campus in the middle of Washington, DC. I spent the next 18 years making my life here, as a DC resident.

I consider my last 18 years as my "2nd Life". I did a lot of growing up here. From an 18 year old awkward teen-adult, to a now married & pregnant adult. My first roommate was a crazy French girl that grew up around royalty and taught me many things that my small-town experiences lacked. We spent years having crazy adventures until he she moved from DC to continue her globe-trotting, and now works with refugees all over the world. She was the first of many friends that I would meet from all over the world that came to DC. I remember U Street when it was mostly parking lots and only a few clubs (State of the Union, anyone?). Most weekend nights, I could be found at the goth night clubs where the Nationals now play. DC was NOT known for its night-life at the time (in fact, I remember my Parisian roommate being astounded at the fact that DC essentially shut-down at 10pm most nights. It was true. Except for maybe Georgetown, but that was still very much the bro-town it still is now).  In order to shop at a "decent" grocery store, I had to take the metro into Virginia. I had a bunch of odd-jobs until I finally settled on a career in law enforcement, and now work for the District of Columbia as a police officer. I moved into the building that I am now in the process of moving out of 15 years ago! I can't imagine not living here. I've watched my neighborhood go through so many changes. I lived through 9/11 here. I remember seeing the smoke from the Pentagon from the rooftop. DC has definitely shaped the adult person that I am now.

But, its time to start my "3rd Life". My priorities have majorly changed, and so have my wants and needs. It's no longer just about what I want/need, but what my family wants and needs. And although DC is a great place for raising a family (it really is!), its just not what we want anymore. I want to go home and NOT be the police.  I can't do that when I live in the city I patrol. I want peace and quiet at night. I want space, both metaphorically and literally. I want our kid to have the same kind of experiences that I grew up with. I do not want to go grocery shopping with my kid, and run into some jackass that I arrested. I don't need/want 15 restaurants within a .5 mile radius. We can still come into the city for the museums/events.

So, we are buying a house in Maryland. We chose that area because we have a few friends there, and we really like the area. Closing on the house is on the 10th. Yup, the day before I'm due! (Pleeeeaaaase, kiddo, just stay in a little while longer). That means we'll be moving with a newborn. No, we're not insane. Why do you ask? And if you are going to do one really big stressful, life-changing thing, why not do another? It's actually been helpful, in that whenever I start to stress about labor/delivery/caring for a newborn, I just starting thinking about mortgages, house payments, commuting & moving, and the stress from that basically cancels each other out!

Hello, denial.

And yes, this means I'll have to start driving to work. Shudder. Which means we'll need to buy another car. Ugh. These are major cons to our move. The commute is going to be at least an hour, each way. I'm not looking forward to it. I did research alternative commuting methods (maybe park at a metro, metro in to Union Station, keep a bike at the Bike Station, and then bike in.....but that would actually add way more time to my commute). The worst part? I'm also going to have to become.....a Maryland Driver. Yup. Oh, the shame. I might honestly cry.

The good part is that the area we live in (basically an island) has a pretty good bike trail system (it still needs a lot of work in getting connected to various places, but they are working on it). So, even though I may not do a whole lot of biking to/from DC, I can do a lot of biking at home. One of my major reasons for picking the house that we did, is that it is just down the street from an entrance to the bike trail. I'm hoping we can save the car trips for commuting/DC trips, and stick to bikes/the Vespa for just getting around/errand running/etc.

I'm going to miss so much about living in DC. The idea that I won't be able to just pop on home when I'm out & about in DC is going to suck. I love that I'm only minutes away from so many bike trails. Events going on downtown? I can get there in 15-20 minutes. I don't want to be a stranger/tourist in my own city. I know every crack in the sidewalk, every alley cut, every little quirk in a 2 mile radius from here. Just from running/walking/biking the same areas every day.

In less than a month, that will all change for me. I still can't fathom it. Definitely denial.

In the meantime, I have officially started maternity leave. I'm using this last bit of time before kiddo gets here to start packing. We haven't bothered unpacking/unboxing a lot of the baby stuff/gifts we've received since we'll just have to immediately pack it all up again. The apartment looks like a hurricane hit it. Ugh. Boxes and stuff just EVERYWHERE. Who knew a 1 bedroom apartment could contain so much STUFF. 15 years of stuff. Bah!

Anyway, if you don't hear from me much on twitter/facebook for a bit, this is why. Busy, busy, busy.

Tuesday, July 7, 2015

The final countdown

35 weeks today. I think this might be my last post until after the kiddo arrives.

I'm starting to really feel the pregnancy. Up until a few days ago, I felt fine. I didn't feel "pregnant" unless I looked in a mirror and saw my belly. I could still tie my shoes and touch my toes. My feet hadn't swelled into boats. I didn't have any aches and pains. I felt little kicks and punches, but they felt more like muscle twitches (thank you, anterior placenta for being a cushion). All the horrible things that other women told me would happen during pregnancy...didn't.

And then I woke up last Saturday. I was completely prepared to ride into work as usual. But then I noticed my finger joints really ached. And my back. And shoulders. And neck.  And what the heck is this really heavy thing around my midsection? Trying to turn over or even get out of bed was an ordeal. I wanted to go in one direction, kiddo had other ideas. And those cute little "kicks" and "punches"? They are full-on belly spasms. The alien chest-burster doesn't seem like a fictional character anymore.  And what is even happening to my belly button?! Riding on a bicycle just doesn't seem appealing at all right now. I had promised myself that when it stopped being fun, I wasn't going to force myself. So I think I might be done with bike commuting for a bit. MIGHT be. I'm still going day by day. I don't feel miserable, but my willingness to hop on a bicycle in the summertime heat & humidity has gone way down.

These last few weeks are going to be pretty busy. I'm still working full-time (currently scheduled up until D-day, although I might take some time off before). We still have some things to purchase for the kiddo (he has all the basics, so it's not urgent). I need to pack my hospital bag. Tour the Labor & Delivery wing at the hospital. Read up on breastfeeding. And there's some other big changes going on at the moment that I don't want to reveal just yet. But this is all happening so FAST all of a sudden, and it's getting so REAL. This kiddo will be here NEXT MONTH. No longer a theoretical concept, but an actual, real, tangible (screaming, crying, hungry) person that we'll be responsible for. Yikes.

Anyway, I got scolded again last week for riding my bike. At least this guy had the decency to "warn" me before lecturing me ("Sarge. I'm gonna warn you, I'm gonna sound disrespectful for a minute..."). He launched into a rant about how I was out of my mind for still riding a bicycle, have I looked in a mirror (because I'm not aware of my own pregnancy??) and blah blah blah. I was on my way out the door, so I didn't stick around to listen it. Just nodded my head, "uh-huh-ed" him and was on my way.

So I figured this post could be about how to handle "well-meaning" people that feel the need to voice their opinion on your choice to bike commute while pregnant. Actually, this could apply to bike commuting in general, pregnant or not.

  • Understand that you're probably not going to change their minds. People that feel its okay to lecture another grown adult about their choices are pretty firm in their own beliefs and opinions. So, if you do decide to engage, be prepared to either shrug and walk away or let them know that you heard them, but you don't agree. And then ride your bike anyway.
  • Be an example. I've found the best way to handle people who think bike commuting is "crazy" is to just do it. Show them it's not a big deal and that its completely normal by doing it. After awhile, they give up. And then it will seem strange to them when you DON'T ride your bike because they got used to seeing it.
  • What I hear most often from people that think bike commuting is "dangerous" is that its because of the "crazy drivers" out there. My response is usually "Aren't you a driver? Why not make it safer for me by driving more carefully?" Or with my coworkers: "Yup. If only there were people out there that had the legal authority to stop these drivers and enforce traffic laws...maybe when you are out on the street, and you see one of these "crazy drivers", you DO SOMETHING about it".
  • Ride your bike anyway.
  • I also point out that I've been in far more car "accidents" then I've been in bike "accidents", and that I'm more concerned about being injured in a car than I am being injured on a bike.
  • I let them know I've been bike commuting in a city for 5 years, and that I am very experienced and competent at handling my bicycle.
  • Ride your bike anyway
  • My bike commute is my daily meditation. It prepares me for the work day ahead, and then helps me decompress on my ride home. I need it. It keeps me sane. A sane me is a happy me, and a happy me is a more pleasant supervisor/coworker.
  • The exercise is good for me and the growing baby. It's actually ideal because the riding position distributes the weight in a way that it takes the load off of me, and encourages the baby to position himself correctly for birth. The motion is also nice for the baby.
  • Don't accept the invitation to an argument. If someone is being rude, it's perfectly fine to walk away in the middle of their rant. I don't mind having discussions, but I won't do arguments.
  • Ride your bike anyway

Being a pregnant bike commuter can be challenging because there's an element of sexism involved. When a person tells me that I'm "crazy" for the simple act of riding a bicycle, what they are really saying is that I'm not capable of deciding for myself what is safe/acceptable/healthy. I often get asked what my husband thinks of my choice. Then there is the "THINK OF THE CHILDREN" pearl-clutching that is usually a thinly disguised veil at controlling someone else's behavior (and not at all about THE CHILDREN). I could go on a whole rant about my experiences as a pregnant woman in the workplace, especially a traditionally male workplace, but this isn't really the blog for that. I'll just say its been.....frustrating. It seems that the only people not invited/allowed to define what a pregnant woman is capable of are the pregnant women themselves. Instead policies & procedures are created by people (usually men) who seem to think that being pregnant is equivalent to being injured/ill and refuse to acknowledge that pregnancy is its own uniquely female event. For instance, the 1978 Pregnancy Discrimination Act says that pregnant employees are to be treated as any other employee with a short term disability. Except...I'm not disabled. I didn't break my leg or arm. I'm pregnant. It's not the same. Yes, certain accommodations need to be made, but I should be the one to decide what they are. Anyway, I digress. Ride your bike. Don't listen to the haters.

The next time I post here, kiddo should be here. Forgive me if I go radio silent for a bit, because I might be a bit overwhelmed. See you on the other side!

Edited to add bump picture....just because:

My usual commuting outfit. Thank goodness bike jerseys stretch.