Thursday, December 31, 2015

A New Year

My father died on November 28th. It was awful and heartbreaking and I miss him terribly. I spent Thanksgiving in the hospital with my mother & brother, watching my father struggle to breathe; him slowly slipping further away on morphine.

It's been a struggle living in a world without my dad. I had a question that I normally would have asked him; then I realized he could never answer any of my questions again. He used to log into our wifi baby cam and watch Liam. Now I look at the camera and realize he will never be on the other side of it again. I play the only voicemail I have from him over and over so I can hear his voice. It makes me very sad that he missed Liam's first Christmas. I know he would have gotten him the biggest, best gift.

Tomorrow I go to pick up my mother. She also has cancer and is going through chemo. She is going to live here, for at least the winter. My parents were married for 44 years. This is the first time, probably since college, that she's been alone. I don't want her to be alone.

This has been the most difficult year of my life. Pregnancy, giving birth, becoming a mother, PPD, buying a house, moving out of DC, losing my father, watching my parents get's been too much.

My hope for 2016 is that it will be a boring, uneventful year. A year in which nothing happens. A year in which I will look back and wonder what I did because it was so boring I can't remember.

And I need to get back on my bike. I haven't ridden at all since September. I need to change that.

Goodbye 2015. I can't say I'll miss you.