Tuesday, August 21, 2018

Wow. Almost a year.

Hey. It's been awhile, hasn't it?

So. I continued being pregnant (and miserable). At 42 (!) weeks, I finally kicked into labor and gave birth to a healthy, beautiful little girl.

At the same time, my mom was having a rough time and was in and out of the hospital several times (including when I was in labor).

It was a very long, long winter.

I took 16 weeks of family leave (8 weeks paid, 8 weeks unpaid). I struggled with being a mom to two kids, and taking care of my own mom at the same time. But, Spring came and things got easier. The warmer weather definitely helped with mom. I started getting outside and getting active again with running and biking. Things were looking up. I felt good. I felt like I finally had control over my life again.

Then I went back to work.

It didn't help that we were very understaffed, so I was immediately having to do the work of 2-3 supervisors (no adjustment period). Struggling to find time to pump; trying to leave work on time to get home to a hungry baby; and male coworkers that really didn't seem to understand that I just had a baby and therefore was hormonal, exhausted and overwhelmed already. Plus, my mom's anxiety at being home alone kicked in big time, so I was basically having to be in 2 places at once.

And the debt. 8 weeks of unpaid leave did some damage. I'm still paying it off.

That's when the depression kicked in.

Struggling just to get through the day. Feeling alternately angry and numb. Self destructive habits. Suicidal thoughts.

I'm seeing a doctor to help me through this, but its hard. I downplay a lot of things. I'm trying to get back to happiness, but it seems impossible. I love my family very much, and I'm working hard to try to feel the love I know they have for me. Depression is isolating. In the meantime, I'm trying to stick to basics:

-avoid alcohol
-sleep (ha!)
-do some form of exercise everyday
-take my medications and supplements
-eat a vegetable
-do something just for ME once a week.

I'll be ok. it's just going to take some time and effort. I'm working on it.