Tuesday, October 24, 2017


Some of you may already have guessed, but I am pregnant once again. It's been a journey getting here. I wasn't expecting it to be quite so soon, but I've given up trying to plan/control things.

I haven't spoken much about it because at first I was terrified. Terrified that I would have a repeat experience of last time. So I waited until the initial test results were clear. They were. Then the scans. They were also normal. Everything looked good. But I still wasn't comfortable talking about it. So many things could still go wrong.

Also, this pregnancy has been hard. It's been the polar opposite of when I had my son. That pregnancy was easy. No complications, and I didn't even really "feel" physically pregnant until a few weeks before I delivered. I was able to go about my normal daily routine with minimum adjustments.

This time?

I. am. miserable.

I have non-stop nausea that is barely managed with medication. I ran out of my prescription a few weeks ago, and was right back to vomiting multiple times a day until I got it refilled again. I've vomited on myself while driving. It's awful, and it kept me from gaining any weight. The medication helps, but I have to stay on top of it. If I miss a dose, I am right back to vomit-central. I was hoping that it would fade after the first trimester, but nope. It's just as strong as ever.

On top of that, I also have pregnancy-related erythema nodosum. It's a pretty uncommon condition. Basically I have inflamed "nodes" on my lower left leg that are excruciatingly painful. When they flare (which is a couple of times a day), it literally feels like my lower leg is on fire. It wakes me at night and can make it difficult to walk or stand. I can't use the usual treatment (NSAIDs) because of the pregnancy. Instead, my dermatologist has me using a cream that is supposed to shrink the nodes. It does NOTHING. Basically, I gotta wait until the pregnancy is over and the hormones level out.

And now I have vertigo too. It comes and goes, but I have to be careful. No bike rides for me, and I have to be really careful on stairs.

Both the medication for the nausea and the erythema nodosum leave me exhausted. I have to plan my day in short bursts. Walking from the sofa to the kitchen. From the kitchen to the upstairs. From the garage to the car. Car to work. Office to the bathroom. etc. I'm still working full time, and it is difficult. I've had to be very clear on boundaries and expectations at work. I don't have a choice. I literally cannot do certain tasks, so I've had a lot of practice telling colleagues "no, I'm not doing that." (Not that my work has been overly difficult, but there have been situations where I had to let go of the guilt and feelings of incompetence because I haven't been able to do the work I usually do.)

Because of all this, I've had to think carefully about my expectations and plans. I dropped out of the Maryland Master Naturalist certification class because I just couldn't attend the classes with the nausea & exhaustion. I opted out of the promotional test at work, because I don't have the energy to study. With a newborn & a 2-year old, I couldn't risk taking on a new schedule/workload that would leave me with less flexibility. My goal is to just get through each day, honestly.

I know this all sounds miserable, and honestly? It sometimes is. Which is why I haven't spoken much about it. I don't want to come across as ungrateful. I don't want to jinx it. I still think about my last pregnancy every day (especially lately, as I was pregnant and happy this time last year).  But as the weeks pass, this pregnancy gets more real and solid. I finally feel comfortable enough to really start believing that we will have another baby in the winter. I don't want to share due dates or anything, but I have passed the point in pregnancy where it is no longer a "miscarriage" if something goes wrong. We have another child to prepare for! A baby is coming, and that reality gets more real every day.

Meanwhile, kiddo is growing into a sweet, silly little boy. I feel bad about not being able to be as active with him as I would like (pretty much most of my down-time is spent on the couch), but I know it's temporary. We'll be back to playground trips and time in the backyard soon. I just wish he would quit growing so fast! He's starting to talk, and my heart melts with every "thank you mama! hi mama!".

Speaking of, someone is awake from his nap. So I will be signing off for now.

(P.S. my macbook's screen is slowly dying. I usually write my blogs on my macbook, so blogging will definitely be sparse until I can replace it. As it is, trying to write this on a screen that is messed up is giving me a headache.)


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