Moving On

At 16 weeks and a few days, I terminated the pregnancy. I would have been 20-something weeks now. I try not to think about it.

The CVS confirmed that there was an extra chromosome where there shouldn't have been one. I knew this was the right decision, but it was still extremely hard. This wasn't an unwanted pregnancy. I very much wanted this baby. It just wasn't meant to be.

My in-laws came to help out since my husband was unable to take time off of work due to the Inauguration. It was a really difficult time for me. I think I was in shock for most of it. I was definitely in a fog. I got through things one hour at a time, one day at a time. It was a strange transition to go from pregnant to Not Pregnant, and to not have a baby to show for it.

I decided that I was going to take the family leave that I was going to use for the baby, and take it immediately to spend more time with my mom. I went through the process of getting back to full duty at work (which was awkward and sad, having to explain why I was back to full duty), and then applied for 8 weeks of family leave, which was granted.

And that's where I am now.

I still have a lot of sadness and anger to deal with.  Also fear. I know that should we be blessed to get pregnant again, it will be a fearful event, rather than a pleasant one. I will always be in fear that something will go wrong again, and I will have to go through this all over again.

I also have a few friends that are pregnant--around the same time that I got pregnant. And they complain. They fucking complain. And I keep my mouth shut but its hard, so very fucking hard to not tell them to be thankful that they don't have a dead or dying baby in their womb, and so very hard to not want to kick them when they complain about how uncomfortable they are. And I have to tell myself that I'm not angry at them, I'm angry at what happened to me and their situation is not my situation. But it still stings. And I bite my tongue.

The weather is gorgeous right now, and I've been spending as much time as I can outside with Liam. He loves being outside! I put the Yepp seat on my beach cruiser, and we've been taking rides to the playground. This time off of work was very much needed. Something had to give, and if I didn't have this option it would have been me. Paid family leave is so important (but that's a post for another day). I have 8 weeks to get my head back in the game.

Mom is doing great. Her last PET scan showed some new growth on her leg so we need to get an X-ray to get a better look. I'm trying not to worry about it. It's hard not to. We've started watching Mad Men together (she's never seen it), so that has been a nice ritual. This weekend we are going to meet her new grandson (my nephew)! My brother and his wife had their son a few weeks ago. So we'll drive up to PA and spend the night with them.

It's nice out. Go ride your bike.